now

Hey guys, I'm blogging from a Touchpad so this might be scattered. We're in Nashville right now for Steven's work. It's been fun but not fun at the same time. I hate to even type these words but...I want to do this. I am so over being this big. This hotel is HUGE and we've had trouble to say the least. The mall we visited? Huge. Visiting Forever 21 and getting "What are YOU doing in here?" looks...brought me to tears. If I'm not at the point I've been waiting for, I don't know what to call it. Last weekend, I attended a Beth Moore event in Knoxville, and I finally had a light bulb go off. I've been waiting for Him to just magically pull me out if this and give me the motivation I need. Instead, I realized I have to do it. I have to be willing to let Him work. I kept thinking He wouldn't make me wait for this, that it should happen NOW. Well, looks like "now" has arrived. I'm tired of it enough to want to do something about it. I just hope I can hold on to and remember the feeling I had when I left that store of little people and clothes tonight. If I could keep that memory and motivation, I think I could do it. I want to be normal. Love you guys!

Destiny?

Hey, all! As usual, long time, no post. BUT, I really only do this when I need to vent. I've been thinking lately, even had a dream about this last night. I dreamed I went to a facility like the Biggest Loser ranch, but I slept through half of it, and they kicked me out. I was convinced then that I was destined to be fat.

Which leads me to my blog subject...AM I destined to be fat? I've been fat since I was five...that's over 30 years, folks. Wow, my body's been dealing with this for 30 years? That's crazy. I know this is an emotional/mental issue with me. It HAS to be. I'm physically able to lose weight. But, is this my destiny? I've dieted, I've taken pills, I've exercised, I've had surgery, I've juiced for 30 days, I've tried Celebrate Recovery, I've seen multiple therapists, I've prayed and begged, I've been "shaken up" by a friend in his early 30's experiencing a heart attack...nothing works for more than a couple of weeks. What is WRONG with me? *sigh* I know I've asked this before, and you all are probably getting tired of hearing it. If I thought my insurance would approve it, I'd do gastric bypass again in a heartbeat and do it right this time...or would I? I'm so discouraged today. Maybe it's not the right time, but how can it not be? Just venting and pondering today, sorry guys. Day by day, I'm becoming physically unable to do more and more things, basic things. *sigh* You'd think that would push me. I'm so comfortable the way I am, I just adjust and adapt. I just don't understand the core problem. I need to know what it is and how to fix it. I'm all for God's help, believe me, but how do I pray? What do I ask for that I haven't already begged for? Maybe my heart wasn't in it when I prayed. Maybe I WANT to be this way. OK, now it's getting really deep in here, LOL! Anyway, love you guys, thanks for "listening". Have a beautiful day! <3

Self-Discovery

Hi again, everyone! I hope you had a great weekend! Hubby gave me a "Pamper Sweetie Day" that included hair color and cut, wax (ouch), Thai food, pedicure, trip to Ulta and new shoes. :) Oh, and my favorite BBQ place, too! Love him so much, thank God for him.

So, I've been thinking more about things. Steven brought up a good point Saturday. I think that, deep down, there's a struggle in me other than the weight loss, but one and the same as the weight loss. I asked myself this question: "Do I really WANT to win this weight battle?" I'm conflicted in answering, because on one hand, of course, I do. I rejoice in a 3-pound loss and long for the ability to shop for cute clothes and shoes (yes, my feet get smaller when I lose weight, no wide width worries). On the other hand, though, as I said in my previous entry, I am so in love with indulging myself. I love food, plain and simple. I love eating what I want, how much I want (to an extent...still have that semi-small tummy from gastric bypass), how often I want. It's funny. If I crave something, I don't want just a bite of it, I want a ton of it. So much sometimes that I can make myself nauseated (again, the gastric bypass). Even what I don't really WANT it...does that make sense? It's almost like I want all I can get, it's the excess I crave. I have cash in my pocket? Yes, let's get something yummy and high-calorie! Do I really want it? No, but that doesn't matter, I CAN, I have the ABILITY to do it! I hope I'm making some sense to someone out there...I don't know why I do that. I'd like to know why, honestly. To sum it up, I really think I'd rather be heavy and eat what I want than be thin and healthy...I think I want both, but it's kind of a 70-30 thing. *sigh*

One of those "what's WRONG with me" moments...

Watch out for falling skeletons...they're coming out of that closet!

Hey guys, just dropping in again. I had some things on my mind today that I wanted to get down on "paper" and wondering if anyone out there has dealt with something similar. There are lots of chains attaching me to my weight problem, and I want to share some of them.

First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.

I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!

The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!

As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.

Love,
Char

Vlogging?

Hey guys, hope you're all doing well! I'm not as great at updating this thing as I want to be, BUT here I am! So, a friend of mine vlogs about her body revolution program with Jillian Michaels, and I'm pondering doing the same with this whole weight loss journey. I have my days when I want to eat everything in sight, but I just get back up again. The MyFitnessPal app really is helping. It's eye-opening to see how much you can easily take in during a day...or a 10-minute time period. :)

What's a vlog, anyway, you may ask...a vlog is a video blog. Basically, I'd take a little video of myself, talking about how I did that day, my feelings/emotions, exercise regimen, etc. I'd like to know what you all think.

A friend and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study last night, and I already got some helpful information. One thing that really stuck out to me is the fact that we sometimes believe the process of healing and being set free will be painful...while it may, aren't we in enough pain as it is? What's the difference? And, God will only ask us to give something to Him in exchange for something in return that we can't even fathom, blessings above and beyond! He WANTS to do this for us, let's allow him! I have control issues, anyway, but you'd think letting God have control and work a miracle in my life would be easy...not so much. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I'm even more inspired, though, let's do this!

Oh, staying motivation, wherefore art thou, staying motivation?

I know, I know, it's been a LONG time since I've blogged. Looks like I have a couple of followers, but honestly, folks...I'm doing this for me...and my "blogging buddy" who inspired me to do this today!

The thought on my mind today is this: Yes, I am motivated relatively easily, BUT it doesn't STICK. I especially love those little inspirational graphics with a ripped girl and some statement telling me I can look like her if I just keep it up. But, it tends to fade quickly when the carb sirens are singing their sweet, sugary song. Case in point: I'm tired of hubby having 500 or so calories at the end of every day (because he eats 3 meals, no snacks), but me being in the negative on calories needed per day. BUT, as of last night, the snacking has been cut to a minimum. One small 100-calorie pack or something similar between breakfast and lunch and one between lunch and getting off work. I've done pretty well with it today, but OMG, I've been hungry -- and not "head hunger," real hunger. Like, your stomach is growling, hungry. I believe my body's just adjusting, though. I'll make it, of course! Today's agenda so far has been:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no sugar added peaches, 3 crackers and a wedge of Laughing Cow

Snack: a 100-calorie pack and 3 crackers with a wedge of laughing cow (Should've nixed one of those, ugh.)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine meal, 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no-sugar added peaches, and two 100-calorie packs (should've nixed BOTH of those, ugh.)

So, IF I have a snack this afternoon, it will be a spoon of peanut butter. Dinner...I'm not sure what he's preparing for dinner, but at this point, I have a little more than 900 calories left, according to My Fitness Pal. That doesn't count what I may burn tonight at the gym! :) Stay tuned, faithful few, I will do my best to update daily! Have a blessed day!

Journaling

Hey again, everyone! So, I was talking to my friend Rachel this morning, and she sent me a food journal template. It's so cute, has an apple and pear on it, both smiling, LOL! Breakfast? Bad! I had no idea how many calories were in sausage biscuits or Cheddar Rounds from Pal's. OMG, and apparently, the calorie content has increased by 17 in their tea, from 160 to 187. BUT, lunch was much better -- 1/2 of the large salad I made for myself at Food City and a small Gala apple. I've also had 2-1/2 cups of water, working on another 2-1/2 before dinner. Shouldn't be hard, since we're working out tonight. That will be another entire bottle right there. :)

Speaking of working out, Hubby and I have decided on four days per week, cardio AND strength, for the next four weeks (OK, 27 days) until we get on the plane for Florida. Hopefully, we can get me (AND him) in good enough shape to do some walking at Busch Gardens and some other places without cringing. I'm sure we'll have to rest and stuff, but hopefully, we can get to the point that it doesn't kill us to walk 50 feet. We're going to see some of the wild animals, i.e. big cats, at Busch Gardens, taking a dolphin cruise and going to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium to see Winter Dolphin. :) Also planning to take in some movies and shopping, and it's the Kick-Off of Restaurant Week there. Apparently, $20/person to sample over 40 restaurants. That will obviously be our dinner that night, haha! I still don't want to go crazy while we're there and backtrack over all we've accomplished.

Time to go refill my water, woohoo! :)

No more...

I've come to a decision, folks! No more sugar for me. No more sweet tea, no more sodas, no more sweets. It makes me feel yucky...and hot. I want to go back to things like bananas and apples tasting sweet, as God make them. Our "Made to Crave" study was very good last night. Rachel and I facilitated, and I think we did OK. :) I keep thinking this one phrase, though..."Yes, God loves you no matter what your size...but He loves you enough to not leave you defeated." Why have I let temporary pleasure take away my long-term happiness? Yes, this has cost me long-term things. I'm 36 years old, and my back and feet ache. I feel like I'm 10 years older, even 20 years older, than I really am. It's not right. I know I've made some changes, but I think this is the big one. This is the true basic evil that pulls me in every time. It's not that I eat too much in one sitting (thanks to my surgery) or that I eat too much fat. It's the sugar...which makes me want more sugar, which makes me want more sugar. It's a vicious cycle that HAS...TO...STOP. I didn't come to terms with it until last night, and at lunch, I made my decision. My wedding anniversary is Thursday, and we had planned on going to a restaurant quite a long drive away, but I don't want to go now because the only reason I wanted to go was the coconut cream pie. No more. I'm tired of it. Thanks for your support and kind words. They keep me going. :)

(insert witty title here)

So, I thought I'd just throw an update out there. Not much to say, but we meet again with our trainer on Sunday. Hopefully, I'll have dropped more weight. Or at least some body fat. That stupid little machine you hold reads an error every time I hold it. So, Trevor has to work with the settings, use the "male" reading and then convert for me. That's OK, though, because last time, it said I'd lost 8% body fat!

I've pushed it up to level 6 on the step machine instead of 5, and I've upped my steps from 3600 to 4200. Steven did 4400 last night, though. Or, was it 4500? Either way, he beat me! It's funny, though, I don't really break a sweat unless we're doing strength training. The last two days, we've only been able to get to the cardio (step), but today, tomorrow and Friday, we're doing cardio AND strength.

I've been adding more water to my day, too. Still not nearly as much as I SHOULD be taking in, but I'm getting there. 39 days to get my hips more narrow to fit more easily in that plane seat! Hope you all have a fabulous day!

She's a maniac, maniac on the gym floor...

Hey guys! I hope you've had a great week! We haven't been to the gym since Monday because of prior commitments. Since we've kicked it up a notch, this is gonna hurt, LOL! BUT, I am so much more motivated when it comes to what I put in my mouth when we're regularly working out. I'm not killing myself on the NuStep machine and weight machines just to work off that cookie or cheeseburger. The next few days, I'm hoping for Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. In addition to beefing up our workout, Trevor has asked us to look at our calorie intake over two or three days. I've been a little slack on my calorie intake the last few days. So, counting those calories (just for an idea) might not be such a bad idea. It will give us a good idea of what we're REALLY taking in. We had pizza last night (long story), and I think we both paid for it. Ugh.

I need to add some good, motivational songs to my gym playlist, so throw those suggestions my way! Thanks for tuning in, hope you have a great weekend! :)

Happy First Day of Spring! :)

Spring seems to have been here for a couple of weeks now, but today is officially the first day, yippee! I'm celebrating with capris and sandals. ;)

So, my friend Missy inspired me to blog today, as she is doing an awesome job updating her blog/vlog. In fact, she interviewed me recently about why I blog, how often I (don't) blog, etc. I'm excited to be having dinner with her and another good friend, Rachel, tonight. Olive Garden will be tempting, but my plan is to stay with all-you-can-eat salad and soup with water. I'm not kicking my tail in the gym like I did the last two days to ruin it with alfredo sauce!!! Speaking of, our sweet little trainer Trevor decided to "intensify" our workout. I was all for this, as I didn't feel like I'd been doing enough. I wasn't really breaking a sweat, after all. Be careful what you wish for! We went from 2 sets of 15 reps on 8 machines to 3 sets of 15, PLUS 4 sets of 15 on two of our leg exercises. AND, up from 10 minutes to 30 minutes on the NuStep machine. AND, a total of 5 laps around the track. *whew* I'm tired just thinking about it. But, it felt GOOD to sweat, it felt GOOD to be tired. It felt GOOD to PUSH. And, it's inspired me to really think about what I'm putting in my mouth. My appetite seems to have diminished some as well. I'm afraid to even THINK the words, "I wonder if this is the time it will work." So, I'll just keep the mindset of "I'm going to get healthy," then make/reach the goal of STAYING healthy. :) I even updated the playlist on my iPod. ;D

Food for thought...

So, Steven and I had a wonderful weekend. We had a great time in Asheville, seeing the Celtic Woman tour, dining at quaint places and even at the Grove Park Inn! What views and what nice people. The weather was gorgeous as well. I will tell you, though, I had trouble with the seating at the venue. I wasn't surprised. Small auditorium seats with hard arms can do that to a big girl. BUT, there was no wall or seats in front of us, so that was a plus! :) Good weekend all around, even after a lengthy, hard conversation with my dear, sweet husband.

Yesterday, we had a long talk while in the parking lot of Catherine's. Basically, he told me he's tired of us fighting over food. And, he should be. He always has to play the bad guy with me, saying, "Sweetie, you really shouldn't have eaten that cookie," or this or that. He is much stronger than me when it comes to this. He put down Diet Pepsis almost a year ago and hasn't touched them since. That simple, just stopped. With me, sweet tea (and probably sugar in its simplest form) is a drug for me. I call it the Nectar of the Gods, and I am not joking, people. I told him I'm giving it up. Period. If he can do that with Diet Pepsis when he drank probably a 2-liter or two per day...I can do it, too. So, today, it's water. It may have to be flavored with something to begin with, but I'm going to wean myself off of that. I just want something with flavor.

And, honestly, I was thinking, are the foods I give everything up for REALLY that good? I mean, I'll be honest. This weekend, I had a burger at the place called Corner Kitchen in Biltmore Village. It was locally grown, grain-fed beef, and it was amazing. THAT as a treat every now and then is TRULY good. A Blizzard from DQ or a doughnut? Seriously? Not that great. Having it every day is not worth it. I was telling Steven yesterday, though, that it's hard for me to wrap my head around the future and the consequences this all will bring. Even the thought of an early death due to these habits is hard for me to grasp. I've never had much luck really getting a feel for the future. It's all about here and now for me. Doing what I what when I want to do it. I told him that, to me, eating like I do is me being in control, eating what I want. He said something brilliantly simple..."No, Char, that's the FOOD controlling YOU." And, he's so right! While in tears yesterday during this conversation, I prayed to God to give me the desire to do this, to give me the desire to give up these foods that aren't good for me. I need His help. I look at all the times I've failed, and it's just like it's too big to conquer.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again.
"Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win!"

...

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win!"

For crying out loud, I've been getting up at 5:45 most weekday mornings to hit the gym. I've got to convince myself that I can, that I have to. So, friends, please keep me in your prayers. Love you all! :)

Couch to 5K?

I've heard of this "Couch to 5K" program before, but never really thought about it. I researched a little and found that our local Fleet Feet store has a program that begins on March 1st and is geared toward training for our church's AmazinGrace in May. Steven and I got really excited about exercise this weekend. I'm to the point I feel bad again. Every time I get up from sitting for a while, I'm so stiff, I have to stand there for a second. That's not good. I'm 36, for crying out loud. In fact, I had a photography workshop on my calendar for tomorrow, but we're hitting the gym instead. I'm all about planning and new things, so I'm going to research this "Couch to 5K" thing a little more and map out a plan. Apparently, it's an 8 or 9-week program. I wanted to do our church's 5K this year, but we head for Florida that day. Boo. :( I did find a website that includes a calendar of local race events, and fortunately, there are quite a few others in which to participate. :)

I haven't had a chance to watch the second part of the DVD I mentioned in my previous post, but I hope to do that soon. I did begin an 8-week Beth Moore study last night entitled "James: Mercy Triumphs," so I'm excited about that. I'm looking forward to doing the homework and meeting each week for the video portions. Steven and I are also reading through the Bible in a year, so that's a daily thing. I had a solo yesterday that I'd sung 2 or 3 times before, but Jessica told me I had some confidence yesterday. I said, "I know, where did THAT come from?" Haha! ;) Seems like since I took the step of baptism, things have been different. I'm still not anywhere near who I need to be, but I'm actually interested in Bible study and similar things.

Hang with me, we'll get there...

One step at a time...

We had a speaker at our church this past Sunday, Dr. Charles Lowery, and he was amazing. I bought a DVD of a series he gave at a Celebrate Recovery group, covering their 12 steps of recovery. I watched Part 1 last night, which covered Steps 1-3.

STEP 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

If anybody deals with compulsive behaviors, it's me -- compulsive eating, compulsive spending, and so on. Food is not my addiction. The wrong type of food and indulging myself in that is my addiction. That area of my life has indeed become unmanageable. I can't begin to tell you how clearly it seemed he was speaking directly to me during the video. He said, "There's an area of your life that this fits." Yes, indeed. He talked about a family at a holiday barbecue and how Aunt Telula burned her hand on the grill one year. She just stood there and put her hand on the hot grill. They got her taken care of and all bandaged up, she did just fine. Next year, same holiday, same hot grill. Here comes Aunt Telula. Everyone's watching her, and what does she do? Places her hand on the hot grill. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. If you go back and do the same thing that's bad for you over and over again, you're only burning yourself. You're only hurting yourself.

STEP 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I don't remember much about this part, to be honest. I plan on re-watching the whole thing eventually, just to keep these things fresh in my mind. From what I recall (I was fighting off attention-seeking dogs at this point), God is the one who can help you with this. You can't do it yourself.

STEP 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

This was my favorite part. You see, growing up, I always felt God was standing over me with a big stick, threatening "If you do something wrong, you're gonna get it!" Dr. Lowery said some of us see God as an angry parent or a coach, especially a coach, screaming and yelling, just waiting for you to mess up. God's not like that. God is our FATHER. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to have the best life possible, but only He can do that for us. We don't know the path to the best life. We don't know what lies ahead. We don't know what's best. HE does.

He gave the example of someone saying, "If you drive in the next NASCAR race and win, we'll give you $2 million." You know you can't do that. Look at your car. Even if it COULD go that fast, could you control it and get around the other cars? Your favorite driver calls you up and says, "Hey, I'll drive that car for you, and I'll even take your engine out and put a race engine in it." This driver's never lost a race, and he's offering to drive it for you and give YOU the $2 million. But, you say, "Nah, I think I can handle it." How stupid...that's exactly what we do. We think we can do it ourselves. We can't. He wants to give us the best of everything, but we're holding ourselves back. He's not going to take the reigns from you. You have to hand them over. But, why not? Why wouldn't you...when all He wants to do is make you deliriously happy. :) The last thing I'll mention is how he replaced the word "love" in this scripture with "my Father." God is love, you know.

"My Father is patient, My Father is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. My Father does not dishonor others, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, My Father keeps no record of wrongs. My Father does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. My father always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. My Father never fails."

*sigh* That makes me smile. :) He wants me to be happy. All I have to do is let Him make me happy.