Hey guys, just dropping in again. I had some things on my mind today that I wanted to get down on "paper" and wondering if anyone out there has dealt with something similar. There are lots of chains attaching me to my weight problem, and I want to share some of them.
First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.
I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!
The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!
As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.
Love,
Char
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