Fail. Yeah, that's a four-letter word, but seems like it keeps popping in my head. We started a program with a weight loss program three years ago and did it for a few months, but of course, that fell through...as most things have. We've called them to check on the credit card charges, but hearing the manager's voice on my voice mail really made me think back to when we were involved in the program. My mind raced through all the programs, weight loss pills and surgery I've been through. Surprisingly to me, instead of being motivated, it made me want to withdraw and not do anything, just shrink out of view and not do anything. Why is that? I should be motivated by that, motivated to succeed this time. "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns has made me think of this situation before, but it's screaming to me today.
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again
"Boy you'll never win!
You'll never win!"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
...
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I would choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Play it AGAIN, Char...
OK, so here I am again...trying AGAIN...hoping AGAIN...fighting AGAIN. I think I'm actually motivated to do this for myself this time. I'm the heaviest I've ever been...no, I'm not going to give a number. Let's just say it's too much, WAY too much. I'm starting to feel pain in places a 37-year-old shouldn't feel pain...or a 67-year-old. I can hardly stand for very long to make copies at work. My office chair creaks. I'm unmotivated to get up to do anything. If I can sit in my seat and do it, so be it! That's ridiculous. A while back, I was going to make a dream book, a book of pics representing things I'd like to do. Here are a few...maneuver my body to get a great photography shot at any angle, wear cute clothes that are available for cheaper than $35/top (a/k/a shop at Wal-Mart), finish a 5K. That last one is probably the closest to achievability. The gym starts this week...no excuses (unless they close for a snowstorm, like this past week). I've got my new playlist ready on my iPod and a big huge bunch of encouragers behind me.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
now
Hey guys, I'm blogging from a Touchpad so this might be scattered. We're in Nashville right now for Steven's work. It's been fun but not fun at the same time. I hate to even type these words but...I want to do this. I am so over being this big. This hotel is HUGE and we've had trouble to say the least. The mall we visited? Huge. Visiting Forever 21 and getting "What are YOU doing in here?" looks...brought me to tears. If I'm not at the point I've been waiting for, I don't know what to call it. Last weekend, I attended a Beth Moore event in Knoxville, and I finally had a light bulb go off. I've been waiting for Him to just magically pull me out if this and give me the motivation I need. Instead, I realized I have to do it. I have to be willing to let Him work. I kept thinking He wouldn't make me wait for this, that it should happen NOW. Well, looks like "now" has arrived. I'm tired of it enough to want to do something about it. I just hope I can hold on to and remember the feeling I had when I left that store of little people and clothes tonight. If I could keep that memory and motivation, I think I could do it. I want to be normal. Love you guys!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Destiny?
Hey, all! As usual, long time, no post. BUT, I really only do this when I need to vent. I've been thinking lately, even had a dream about this last night. I dreamed I went to a facility like the Biggest Loser ranch, but I slept through half of it, and they kicked me out. I was convinced then that I was destined to be fat.
Which leads me to my blog subject...AM I destined to be fat? I've been fat since I was five...that's over 30 years, folks. Wow, my body's been dealing with this for 30 years? That's crazy. I know this is an emotional/mental issue with me. It HAS to be. I'm physically able to lose weight. But, is this my destiny? I've dieted, I've taken pills, I've exercised, I've had surgery, I've juiced for 30 days, I've tried Celebrate Recovery, I've seen multiple therapists, I've prayed and begged, I've been "shaken up" by a friend in his early 30's experiencing a heart attack...nothing works for more than a couple of weeks. What is WRONG with me? *sigh* I know I've asked this before, and you all are probably getting tired of hearing it. If I thought my insurance would approve it, I'd do gastric bypass again in a heartbeat and do it right this time...or would I? I'm so discouraged today. Maybe it's not the right time, but how can it not be? Just venting and pondering today, sorry guys. Day by day, I'm becoming physically unable to do more and more things, basic things. *sigh* You'd think that would push me. I'm so comfortable the way I am, I just adjust and adapt. I just don't understand the core problem. I need to know what it is and how to fix it. I'm all for God's help, believe me, but how do I pray? What do I ask for that I haven't already begged for? Maybe my heart wasn't in it when I prayed. Maybe I WANT to be this way. OK, now it's getting really deep in here, LOL! Anyway, love you guys, thanks for "listening". Have a beautiful day! <3
Which leads me to my blog subject...AM I destined to be fat? I've been fat since I was five...that's over 30 years, folks. Wow, my body's been dealing with this for 30 years? That's crazy. I know this is an emotional/mental issue with me. It HAS to be. I'm physically able to lose weight. But, is this my destiny? I've dieted, I've taken pills, I've exercised, I've had surgery, I've juiced for 30 days, I've tried Celebrate Recovery, I've seen multiple therapists, I've prayed and begged, I've been "shaken up" by a friend in his early 30's experiencing a heart attack...nothing works for more than a couple of weeks. What is WRONG with me? *sigh* I know I've asked this before, and you all are probably getting tired of hearing it. If I thought my insurance would approve it, I'd do gastric bypass again in a heartbeat and do it right this time...or would I? I'm so discouraged today. Maybe it's not the right time, but how can it not be? Just venting and pondering today, sorry guys. Day by day, I'm becoming physically unable to do more and more things, basic things. *sigh* You'd think that would push me. I'm so comfortable the way I am, I just adjust and adapt. I just don't understand the core problem. I need to know what it is and how to fix it. I'm all for God's help, believe me, but how do I pray? What do I ask for that I haven't already begged for? Maybe my heart wasn't in it when I prayed. Maybe I WANT to be this way. OK, now it's getting really deep in here, LOL! Anyway, love you guys, thanks for "listening". Have a beautiful day! <3
Monday, June 18, 2012
Self-Discovery
Hi again, everyone! I hope you had a great weekend! Hubby gave me a "Pamper Sweetie Day" that included hair color and cut, wax (ouch), Thai food, pedicure, trip to Ulta and new shoes. :) Oh, and my favorite BBQ place, too! Love him so much, thank God for him.
So, I've been thinking more about things. Steven brought up a good point Saturday. I think that, deep down, there's a struggle in me other than the weight loss, but one and the same as the weight loss. I asked myself this question: "Do I really WANT to win this weight battle?" I'm conflicted in answering, because on one hand, of course, I do. I rejoice in a 3-pound loss and long for the ability to shop for cute clothes and shoes (yes, my feet get smaller when I lose weight, no wide width worries). On the other hand, though, as I said in my previous entry, I am so in love with indulging myself. I love food, plain and simple. I love eating what I want, how much I want (to an extent...still have that semi-small tummy from gastric bypass), how often I want. It's funny. If I crave something, I don't want just a bite of it, I want a ton of it. So much sometimes that I can make myself nauseated (again, the gastric bypass). Even what I don't really WANT it...does that make sense? It's almost like I want all I can get, it's the excess I crave. I have cash in my pocket? Yes, let's get something yummy and high-calorie! Do I really want it? No, but that doesn't matter, I CAN, I have the ABILITY to do it! I hope I'm making some sense to someone out there...I don't know why I do that. I'd like to know why, honestly. To sum it up, I really think I'd rather be heavy and eat what I want than be thin and healthy...I think I want both, but it's kind of a 70-30 thing. *sigh*
One of those "what's WRONG with me" moments...
So, I've been thinking more about things. Steven brought up a good point Saturday. I think that, deep down, there's a struggle in me other than the weight loss, but one and the same as the weight loss. I asked myself this question: "Do I really WANT to win this weight battle?" I'm conflicted in answering, because on one hand, of course, I do. I rejoice in a 3-pound loss and long for the ability to shop for cute clothes and shoes (yes, my feet get smaller when I lose weight, no wide width worries). On the other hand, though, as I said in my previous entry, I am so in love with indulging myself. I love food, plain and simple. I love eating what I want, how much I want (to an extent...still have that semi-small tummy from gastric bypass), how often I want. It's funny. If I crave something, I don't want just a bite of it, I want a ton of it. So much sometimes that I can make myself nauseated (again, the gastric bypass). Even what I don't really WANT it...does that make sense? It's almost like I want all I can get, it's the excess I crave. I have cash in my pocket? Yes, let's get something yummy and high-calorie! Do I really want it? No, but that doesn't matter, I CAN, I have the ABILITY to do it! I hope I'm making some sense to someone out there...I don't know why I do that. I'd like to know why, honestly. To sum it up, I really think I'd rather be heavy and eat what I want than be thin and healthy...I think I want both, but it's kind of a 70-30 thing. *sigh*
One of those "what's WRONG with me" moments...
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Watch out for falling skeletons...they're coming out of that closet!
Hey guys, just dropping in again. I had some things on my mind today that I wanted to get down on "paper" and wondering if anyone out there has dealt with something similar. There are lots of chains attaching me to my weight problem, and I want to share some of them.
First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.
I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!
The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!
As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.
Love,
Char
First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.
I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!
The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!
As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.
Love,
Char
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Vlogging?
Hey guys, hope you're all doing well! I'm not as great at updating this thing as I want to be, BUT here I am! So, a friend of mine vlogs about her body revolution program with Jillian Michaels, and I'm pondering doing the same with this whole weight loss journey. I have my days when I want to eat everything in sight, but I just get back up again. The MyFitnessPal app really is helping. It's eye-opening to see how much you can easily take in during a day...or a 10-minute time period. :)
What's a vlog, anyway, you may ask...a vlog is a video blog. Basically, I'd take a little video of myself, talking about how I did that day, my feelings/emotions, exercise regimen, etc. I'd like to know what you all think.
A friend and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study last night, and I already got some helpful information. One thing that really stuck out to me is the fact that we sometimes believe the process of healing and being set free will be painful...while it may, aren't we in enough pain as it is? What's the difference? And, God will only ask us to give something to Him in exchange for something in return that we can't even fathom, blessings above and beyond! He WANTS to do this for us, let's allow him! I have control issues, anyway, but you'd think letting God have control and work a miracle in my life would be easy...not so much. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I'm even more inspired, though, let's do this!
What's a vlog, anyway, you may ask...a vlog is a video blog. Basically, I'd take a little video of myself, talking about how I did that day, my feelings/emotions, exercise regimen, etc. I'd like to know what you all think.
A friend and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study last night, and I already got some helpful information. One thing that really stuck out to me is the fact that we sometimes believe the process of healing and being set free will be painful...while it may, aren't we in enough pain as it is? What's the difference? And, God will only ask us to give something to Him in exchange for something in return that we can't even fathom, blessings above and beyond! He WANTS to do this for us, let's allow him! I have control issues, anyway, but you'd think letting God have control and work a miracle in my life would be easy...not so much. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I'm even more inspired, though, let's do this!
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