Hi again, everyone! I hope you had a great weekend! Hubby gave me a "Pamper Sweetie Day" that included hair color and cut, wax (ouch), Thai food, pedicure, trip to Ulta and new shoes. :) Oh, and my favorite BBQ place, too! Love him so much, thank God for him.
So, I've been thinking more about things. Steven brought up a good point Saturday. I think that, deep down, there's a struggle in me other than the weight loss, but one and the same as the weight loss. I asked myself this question: "Do I really WANT to win this weight battle?" I'm conflicted in answering, because on one hand, of course, I do. I rejoice in a 3-pound loss and long for the ability to shop for cute clothes and shoes (yes, my feet get smaller when I lose weight, no wide width worries). On the other hand, though, as I said in my previous entry, I am so in love with indulging myself. I love food, plain and simple. I love eating what I want, how much I want (to an extent...still have that semi-small tummy from gastric bypass), how often I want. It's funny. If I crave something, I don't want just a bite of it, I want a ton of it. So much sometimes that I can make myself nauseated (again, the gastric bypass). Even what I don't really WANT it...does that make sense? It's almost like I want all I can get, it's the excess I crave. I have cash in my pocket? Yes, let's get something yummy and high-calorie! Do I really want it? No, but that doesn't matter, I CAN, I have the ABILITY to do it! I hope I'm making some sense to someone out there...I don't know why I do that. I'd like to know why, honestly. To sum it up, I really think I'd rather be heavy and eat what I want than be thin and healthy...I think I want both, but it's kind of a 70-30 thing. *sigh*
One of those "what's WRONG with me" moments...
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Watch out for falling skeletons...they're coming out of that closet!
Hey guys, just dropping in again. I had some things on my mind today that I wanted to get down on "paper" and wondering if anyone out there has dealt with something similar. There are lots of chains attaching me to my weight problem, and I want to share some of them.
First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.
I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!
The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!
As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.
Love,
Char
First, when I was five and my older brother (only sibling) was 15, he moved to Florida to live with his dad (my mom's first husband). Looking at a picture of me when I was four and a picture of me at age five, there's a HUGE difference...pun intended. I went from a normal-sized little girl to a super chubby little girl. I honestly believe my brother leaving had something to do with it, because that was a major event in that time period, the only one I can recall or have knowledge of. I don't know if my poor mom was like, "OMG, Charlene's all we have left, let's just let her do what she wants to when it comes to food." Keep in mind, it was ONLY food that I had control of. My parents were semi-strict when it came to everything else -- behavior, church attendance, grades, TV and music, etc. I sometimes wonder if I thought, "Well, I can do what I want to when it comes to food, and that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna make myself HAPPY!" I remember when I was probably 12 years old, staying at home for just a couple of hours in the afternoon between my dad going to work and my mom getting home from work, fixing myself probably 8 slices of grilled toast to eat with jelly. I'd eat Cool Whip straight out of the container. I couldn't get enough -- indulgence to the utmost. Back to my brother leaving, though. I don't know if my poor parents just clung to me for dear life, if they just ignored my food habit while worrying about my brother, or maybe a little of both. PLEASE know I'm not saying my parents ignored me. My parents are precious people, and I think they did a pretty good job with me.
I believe another factor in my weight struggles is what has been called a "princess complex" by a former counselor of mine. My dad, love his heart (and my mom, too, for that matter), have pretty much always given me what I wanted if there was any way they could. I'm spoiled, but not rotten, thank you very much! ;) I believe that indulgence carried over to how I treated myself. I was gonna treat myself "right" (getting what I wanted, when I wanted it), because Lord knows I didn't get what I "needed" from the opposite sex, that attention, that admiration. That's a whole 'nother story, though!
The last chain I want to tell you about is my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many of you know that I fought this ugly disease since I was a preteen. My sweet husband enlightened me one day with a brilliant revelation. He told me that he honestly believed that over the years, the food has "made the voices stop" and given me peace and freedom for a few moments. I believe he's right!
As many of you also know, I underwent gastric bypass in on July 5, 2003, at 355 pounds. I lost to 240 in a little over a year, but slowly regained the weight over a period of two years, and then added on about 40 more over the next few years. I guess I feel like I've tried everything -- diet plans, exercise and diet on my own, counseling, prayer, Bible studies, books, juicing for 30 days (God help me, that was rough), even (as I mentioned) surgery. You can see why I feel like a failure most, if not all of the time. Alot of times, I wonder if it's just not meant to be. Am I destined to be always be fat? Will I "carry this bondage to the grave" as Beth Moore says? I hope and pray that's not the case. I won't stop trying, I know that much.
Love,
Char
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Vlogging?
Hey guys, hope you're all doing well! I'm not as great at updating this thing as I want to be, BUT here I am! So, a friend of mine vlogs about her body revolution program with Jillian Michaels, and I'm pondering doing the same with this whole weight loss journey. I have my days when I want to eat everything in sight, but I just get back up again. The MyFitnessPal app really is helping. It's eye-opening to see how much you can easily take in during a day...or a 10-minute time period. :)
What's a vlog, anyway, you may ask...a vlog is a video blog. Basically, I'd take a little video of myself, talking about how I did that day, my feelings/emotions, exercise regimen, etc. I'd like to know what you all think.
A friend and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study last night, and I already got some helpful information. One thing that really stuck out to me is the fact that we sometimes believe the process of healing and being set free will be painful...while it may, aren't we in enough pain as it is? What's the difference? And, God will only ask us to give something to Him in exchange for something in return that we can't even fathom, blessings above and beyond! He WANTS to do this for us, let's allow him! I have control issues, anyway, but you'd think letting God have control and work a miracle in my life would be easy...not so much. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I'm even more inspired, though, let's do this!
What's a vlog, anyway, you may ask...a vlog is a video blog. Basically, I'd take a little video of myself, talking about how I did that day, my feelings/emotions, exercise regimen, etc. I'd like to know what you all think.
A friend and I started Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study last night, and I already got some helpful information. One thing that really stuck out to me is the fact that we sometimes believe the process of healing and being set free will be painful...while it may, aren't we in enough pain as it is? What's the difference? And, God will only ask us to give something to Him in exchange for something in return that we can't even fathom, blessings above and beyond! He WANTS to do this for us, let's allow him! I have control issues, anyway, but you'd think letting God have control and work a miracle in my life would be easy...not so much. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I'm even more inspired, though, let's do this!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Oh, staying motivation, wherefore art thou, staying motivation?
I know, I know, it's been a LONG time since I've blogged. Looks like I have a couple of followers, but honestly, folks...I'm doing this for me...and my "blogging buddy" who inspired me to do this today!
The thought on my mind today is this: Yes, I am motivated relatively easily, BUT it doesn't STICK. I especially love those little inspirational graphics with a ripped girl and some statement telling me I can look like her if I just keep it up. But, it tends to fade quickly when the carb sirens are singing their sweet, sugary song. Case in point: I'm tired of hubby having 500 or so calories at the end of every day (because he eats 3 meals, no snacks), but me being in the negative on calories needed per day. BUT, as of last night, the snacking has been cut to a minimum. One small 100-calorie pack or something similar between breakfast and lunch and one between lunch and getting off work. I've done pretty well with it today, but OMG, I've been hungry -- and not "head hunger," real hunger. Like, your stomach is growling, hungry. I believe my body's just adjusting, though. I'll make it, of course! Today's agenda so far has been:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no sugar added peaches, 3 crackers and a wedge of Laughing Cow
Snack: a 100-calorie pack and 3 crackers with a wedge of laughing cow (Should've nixed one of those, ugh.)
Lunch: Lean Cuisine meal, 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no-sugar added peaches, and two 100-calorie packs (should've nixed BOTH of those, ugh.)
So, IF I have a snack this afternoon, it will be a spoon of peanut butter. Dinner...I'm not sure what he's preparing for dinner, but at this point, I have a little more than 900 calories left, according to My Fitness Pal. That doesn't count what I may burn tonight at the gym! :) Stay tuned, faithful few, I will do my best to update daily! Have a blessed day!
The thought on my mind today is this: Yes, I am motivated relatively easily, BUT it doesn't STICK. I especially love those little inspirational graphics with a ripped girl and some statement telling me I can look like her if I just keep it up. But, it tends to fade quickly when the carb sirens are singing their sweet, sugary song. Case in point: I'm tired of hubby having 500 or so calories at the end of every day (because he eats 3 meals, no snacks), but me being in the negative on calories needed per day. BUT, as of last night, the snacking has been cut to a minimum. One small 100-calorie pack or something similar between breakfast and lunch and one between lunch and getting off work. I've done pretty well with it today, but OMG, I've been hungry -- and not "head hunger," real hunger. Like, your stomach is growling, hungry. I believe my body's just adjusting, though. I'll make it, of course! Today's agenda so far has been:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no sugar added peaches, 3 crackers and a wedge of Laughing Cow
Snack: a 100-calorie pack and 3 crackers with a wedge of laughing cow (Should've nixed one of those, ugh.)
Lunch: Lean Cuisine meal, 1/2 cup of low-fat cottage cheese with one container of no-sugar added peaches, and two 100-calorie packs (should've nixed BOTH of those, ugh.)
So, IF I have a snack this afternoon, it will be a spoon of peanut butter. Dinner...I'm not sure what he's preparing for dinner, but at this point, I have a little more than 900 calories left, according to My Fitness Pal. That doesn't count what I may burn tonight at the gym! :) Stay tuned, faithful few, I will do my best to update daily! Have a blessed day!
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