I'm so bad at this...

I was going to start seeing a counselor, but Steven and I had a long talk -- a long talk with tears about how he didn't want to stand over my grave too soon, and I didn't want to stand over his too soon. Basically what we're doing now is trying to eat less, eat well and eat balanced. We're also trying out best to get back to the gym. In fact, we hope to go tonight if nothing happens. Walking a good distance can be difficult for me with my heel spurs. However, I want to try to get back up the mile I was doing before on the treadmill.

I know it sounds like whining, but it's SO hard to do this during the holidays. So many goodies around! I think if we can just cut back on our eating (and we've been splitting when we dine out) and bump up the activity, it will start. And, honestly, that's all that's going to last long-term. You all know about the feelings of failure and inadequacy I've dealt with concerning my numerous attempts at losing this weight. I've tried Weight Watchers numerous times, Herbalife, various diets, the juice diet and even a choice as drastic as gastric bypass surgery. I thought at the time the surgery was the answer, the final chapter. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be a normal weight, or even overweight instead of morbidly obese. I look back at the things I've done and tried before, and it really defeats me. "You can't do this, look how many times you've tried. You just...can't...do it." But, it's like Steven said, it's not what you DID, it's what you ARE doing and what you WILL do. Getting back up and trying again is so hard, but for my health and my future with the one with whom God blessed me, I have to. Stumble, fall, get up...repeat.

I did beat another demon this past weekend. It was a hard battle that day, with tears, but I was finally baptized after years of doubts, fears and feelings of unworthiness. My mother-in-law, sister-in-law and two of our nieces came in for the weekend. :) That was a happy occasion! I finally feel at home and at peace most times. I still have the doubts sometimes, and I don't know that I'll ever have peace about dying, but it's a start. Love to all of those who helped and loved me through it. :)