now

Hey guys, I'm blogging from a Touchpad so this might be scattered. We're in Nashville right now for Steven's work. It's been fun but not fun at the same time. I hate to even type these words but...I want to do this. I am so over being this big. This hotel is HUGE and we've had trouble to say the least. The mall we visited? Huge. Visiting Forever 21 and getting "What are YOU doing in here?" looks...brought me to tears. If I'm not at the point I've been waiting for, I don't know what to call it. Last weekend, I attended a Beth Moore event in Knoxville, and I finally had a light bulb go off. I've been waiting for Him to just magically pull me out if this and give me the motivation I need. Instead, I realized I have to do it. I have to be willing to let Him work. I kept thinking He wouldn't make me wait for this, that it should happen NOW. Well, looks like "now" has arrived. I'm tired of it enough to want to do something about it. I just hope I can hold on to and remember the feeling I had when I left that store of little people and clothes tonight. If I could keep that memory and motivation, I think I could do it. I want to be normal. Love you guys!

Destiny?

Hey, all! As usual, long time, no post. BUT, I really only do this when I need to vent. I've been thinking lately, even had a dream about this last night. I dreamed I went to a facility like the Biggest Loser ranch, but I slept through half of it, and they kicked me out. I was convinced then that I was destined to be fat.

Which leads me to my blog subject...AM I destined to be fat? I've been fat since I was five...that's over 30 years, folks. Wow, my body's been dealing with this for 30 years? That's crazy. I know this is an emotional/mental issue with me. It HAS to be. I'm physically able to lose weight. But, is this my destiny? I've dieted, I've taken pills, I've exercised, I've had surgery, I've juiced for 30 days, I've tried Celebrate Recovery, I've seen multiple therapists, I've prayed and begged, I've been "shaken up" by a friend in his early 30's experiencing a heart attack...nothing works for more than a couple of weeks. What is WRONG with me? *sigh* I know I've asked this before, and you all are probably getting tired of hearing it. If I thought my insurance would approve it, I'd do gastric bypass again in a heartbeat and do it right this time...or would I? I'm so discouraged today. Maybe it's not the right time, but how can it not be? Just venting and pondering today, sorry guys. Day by day, I'm becoming physically unable to do more and more things, basic things. *sigh* You'd think that would push me. I'm so comfortable the way I am, I just adjust and adapt. I just don't understand the core problem. I need to know what it is and how to fix it. I'm all for God's help, believe me, but how do I pray? What do I ask for that I haven't already begged for? Maybe my heart wasn't in it when I prayed. Maybe I WANT to be this way. OK, now it's getting really deep in here, LOL! Anyway, love you guys, thanks for "listening". Have a beautiful day! <3